Barry gone, the blues are back in town.

I have to say, it is getting old. Barry's work travel, that is. Of course, every-other-week pales in comparison to the families that have mom or dad overseas in the Middle East for months at a time, but I still hate it. Yes, I am grateful Barry has a job...a good paying job. Yes, I am grateful that means I can stay home and raise our baby. Yes, I should be happy. Can one be grateful and still be unhappy about the situation, or is that a contradiction? So while I am grateful for all the above mentioned facts, I am still f-ing unhappy about Barry's travel schedule. Plus, it doesn't help that we are hundreds of miles away from family (except for you, Auntie Tammy, but you also happen to be closer in proximity to my family this week while you travel to Colorado/ AZ). We are making the most of the week with a play-date tomorrow and dinner with a friend on Wednesday, but that still leaves us alone at night and me with next to zero baby-relief. And don't get me wrong! If there is anything that picks me up, it is that chubby gummy grin that erupts over Michelle's face when she looks at me, but it is safe to say that my Wellbutrin has exhausted it's ability to keep my brain chemicals in balance the last couple of days.

Saturday was bad. After failing to get Michelle down for an afternoon nap (which was even MORE important because of the impending 5:00 dinner/ birthday party for a friend for which a well-rested baby would be of the utmost importance for EVERYONE'S sanity), I shoved her into Barry's arms with a flat "YOU take her. If she won't nap, I NEEEED one" and crashed into bed with my covers over my face feeling sorry for myself. There I lie with my head spinning thinking of Barry being gone the next week and how I won't be able to have ANY time to myself where I can be completely confident that Michelle is in good hands. The exersaucer, while a reasonable intermittent baby sitter and play-mate while blogging and facebooking, cannot be counted on to change diapers, feed my baby, or put her down for a nap. Nor can I leave her in the exersaucer and take off for 90 minutes to go for a swim.
No.
Cannot do that.
Must not do that.
So lying there in bed for a well-intentioned nap, the nap just turned into an opportunity for my head to spin and for me to get sad. At 4:00, I peeled myself out of bed, walked upstairs, mashed up some avocado and spinach/potato combo for Michelle and commanded to Barry "Here. YOU can feed her dinner" because of course, he would not have thought of it and my baby would have starved if I hadn't literally TOLD him what to do and placed the tiny spoon and bowl of mush into his hands. Okay, that is is false. Completely FALSE thinking, but that is what depression does. The truth? Barry was HAPPY to watch her, HAPPY to feed her, and HAPPY to give me some reprieve. And yet my mind is telling me he might as well be gone because I have to do everything with her anyway. I know. It's terrible. I'm a terrible wife to think that way because I do in fact have the most wonderful husband in the world who is just as pissed off about his traveling work schedule as I am. But Barry has incredible patience, staying power, and follow-through. He can plunk away through what MUST be done with a clear vision of how our future will be improved in the LONG run whereas I prefer immediate gratification. So while I have moments of depression-induced irrational thinking, I guess it is a good thing that I can see clearly that I could not have chosen a better man to father my children.

Let me follow this to mention that this is the WORST time of year in the Northwest. It is dark. Dark. Dark. Dreary, dreadful and did I mention dark? The only consolation is that the days are at least on the way to getting longer. but we have a long way to go before daylight savings hits.
But what is this I see?
It can't be.
Shit! The sky is blue! The sun is just rising at 7:45, but there are actually minimal clouds in the sky. Maybe today will be a good day after all with the opportunity for a nice long walk. Outside. And yes, I did take my bupropion this morning.